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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tell us a joke!'s LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 20th, 2008
9:49 pm
Be The Perfect Pre-Teen Vampire Pin-Up
Found this article on the AVClub website, thought it was pretty funny, it's based on one of the promotional posters for the movie Twilight.

Quote from the article, "Never underestimate the power of a forceful grip. For a normal guy, lurking behind a girl and gripping her upper arm would read "Date rape imminent." But you're a vampire: people expect that kind of creepy controlling behavior from you."

You can read it
Monday, June 9th, 2008
3:50 pm
Elephant Help....

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.  

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
10:54 am
hangman homicide
two friends killing time.

Monday, March 24th, 2008
9:50 pm

Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store

1. No Thanks. ... Just Sniffing.

2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

5. Will you model this for me???

6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

7. $50?? Are you kidding? She's just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

Saturday, March 1st, 2008
3:20 pm
A Girl and Her Bear
So, when we had our Christmas get together I took a ton of pictures (as usual) with my digital camera.  After I did some editing and sent out all the pictures I'd take (or, more accurately, those that turned out okay), I went back and did a series of pics called "Christmas That Didn't Happen", which was basically the pics with funny captions and other alterations. 

Here's an example...
9:06 am
As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a small prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
6:10 pm
Funny bud light commercial...
The Swear Jar!

WARNING: Contains beeped swear words!

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
6:06 am
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed, looks up, and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
5:12 pm
Pun Crazy!

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. "Dam!"

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association.

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese.

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.  


Sliding Right In!

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist." 


Lawyers Vs. Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Sunday, October 21st, 2007
11:06 pm
The Polite way to Pee...
The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"   "I would say:  Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?   I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...
Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
10:01 am
Sunday, September 16th, 2007
7:41 am
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because... I was not really paying attention.

I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. "Great, just great," I muttered.

The driver opened his door, leaned out of his car and stared at me.

He was a dwarf.

He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, "I'm not happy..."

To which I replied, "Well..... Which one are you then?"
Friday, September 14th, 2007
6:58 pm
Attorney: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
Pathologist: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Edgington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Pathologist: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

more daily jokes
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
9:49 pm
Teddy Bears & the Sensitive Man...
A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, over the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

"Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"!
Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
3:59 pm
For all you Catholics at lent...
Born a Baptist:

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of  Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.  

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.  The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and rised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
Saturday, January 27th, 2007
8:08 pm
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of  drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of  "WOW" ..one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.  Everybody's been making bets about how big  he'd be in two weeks.  So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.  "What happened?  He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised."
Saturday, December 30th, 2006
6:32 pm
Blatently stolen from my friend...

1. If you are choking on an  ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your  throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly  removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting  yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them  while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments  with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the  sink.

4. For high blood pressure  sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed fora few minutes, thus reducing  the pressure in your veins. Remember to usean egg  timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on  top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back  to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough,  take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to  cough.

7. Have a bad toothache?  Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the  toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to  remember what the rules of life really are:

       In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct  Tape.

       If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
       If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

Thought for the  day:
Sunday, November 12th, 2006
3:51 am
Friday, September 15th, 2006
1:10 pm
Unanswered Questions

1.Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE


2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)


3.OK..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and theTampaBay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


4.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?


5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.


6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?


8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?


11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?


12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?


14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.


17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?


18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?


22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Thursday, August 17th, 2006
1:33 pm
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