rev3 (rev3) wrote in witsandhalfwits,

Ok, so I have a few...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which mae him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffer from bad breath.

This made him what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "when you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to her them say that I was a great doctor in my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The guy replies, " I would like to hear them say, "LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!"

Dear Sir;

In reply to your request for payment, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible.

My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, town laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, and out-laws, I am compelled to pay income tax, property tax, business tax, amusement tax, poll tax, cosmetic tax, tobacco tax, gas tax, fuel tax, inheritance tax, water tax, transportation tax, and hidden tax.

I am required to get a business license, care license, trailer license, hunting license, operator's license, truck license, bicycle license, not to mention a marriage license and a dog license.

I am required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable of bringing into life; to women's relief, unemployment relief, and the gold diggers relief. Also to every hospital and charitable institution including the salvation Army, community Chest, United Fund, Red Cross, White Cross, Blue Cross, Purple Cross and double cross, YMCA and the YWCA as well as the wayward station for girls, Boy's Ranch and Boy's Town.

For my own safety I am required to carry life insurance, health insurance, liability insurance, earthquake insurance, fire insurance, property insurance, tornado insurance, old age insurance, accident inssurace, an unemployment insurance.

My business is so governed that it is no easy matter to find out who owns it. I am inspected, expected and suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, re-examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I provide an exhaustible supply of money for every known need, desire, or hope of the human race. Simply because I refuse to donate to something or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down and robbed until I am almost ruined.

I can tell you honestly except for a miracle that happened I could not enclose this cheque for payment. The wolf that comes to my door nowadays just had pups in my kitchen, I sold the pups and here is the money.

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10.The Cat in the Blender
11.Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12.Are You My Proctologist?
13.Yentl the Lentil
14.My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15.Aunts in my Pants

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife, Robert
4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors; An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10.The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11.Some Kittens Can Fly
12.That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13.Grandpa Gets a Casket
14.The Magical World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15.Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16.The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17.Strangers Have the Best Candy
18.Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
18.You Were and Accident
20.Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21.Pop! Goes the Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
22.The Man in the Moon is Satan
23.Your Nightmares are Real
24.Where Would you Like to be Buried?
25.Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26.Why Can't Mr.Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27.Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28.Daddy Drinks Because you Cry

One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor, so he took Mrs. Hershey to the Pot of Gold motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Ave., to show her some Twix. He began to feel her Mounds, which was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll and made him want to Eatmore. When he saw her Cherry Blossom, he gasped: "Sweet Marie, this is Wonderbar!" He let out a Snicker ans his Butter Finger went up her Kit-Kat and caused a Milky Way. She screamed, "Oh Henry" as she grabbed his Bit Turk and squeezed his M&M's. Mr.s Hershey said, "You're even better than the Three Musketeers," to which Mr. Goodbar replied, "Whe you are this good, they call you Mr.Big." Soon, she was a bit Chunky and nine months later, she had a Baby Ruth.
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